Right now I am sitting in a cafe in Divonne drinking an Affligern, needing food because I’m feeling I’m the effects of the alcohol already. Had a busy day of shopping! I was advised to buy everything, including sheets, before heading off to Thailand. I spent so much money buying appropriate clothing that I want to cry. (I still have no sheets because I couldn’t bear to spend another dime!) I have appropriate clothing at home, so I just spent about €300 to get more of what I have.
Sometimes choices weigh me down – until my swiss host reminds me how lucky I am to have any choices at all. True. Look what life has given me! A few years of solid, soul-sucking, black misery followed by this? I am lucky to be here. Here: Le Div’, drinking my beer, and listening to “Budapest” (and hearing my french waiter nasal through the lyrics as he walks around the bar), wanting to go to Budapest and realizing that, holy fuck, I can. Not before my job, no, but at some point. No one is stopping me but myself.
So why have I stopped myself all of these years? Hillary on mushrooms would say because I hate myself so badly that I cannot stand a moment alone. The bitch. Think I may be learning to tolerate her though. That’s a start!
The weather here is fantastic right now!! Low 60s and sunny. I went jogging yesterday. I was a complete wuss and slackened after a couple of miles. Yet, I was in a great spot about which to meander. To my right was a big, green field sprinkled with wildflowers. To my left was lac Léman, with its clear waters exposing the smooth stones that occupy the bottom. I smelled barbecue as I walked. Trees filed my vision to the right. To the left children played. I weaved through families on bicycles, elderly couples holding hands, kids on skateboards. We were all so absorbed that I almost ran into a jogger. Everyone seemed to be there but it wasn’t crowded; they added to my joy with their own. There were groups of college students on spring break, sunning and lovers who made me smile even though I am alone. I even stopped under a willow tree in order to compose this blog post, but alas it wouldn’t load.
It’s too bad that I am leaving Switzerland now that I am enjoying being outside! But I’m sure I will love being outside in Thailand too, so it’s all good.
It is my birthday tomorrow. May this next year be even better than the last. May the lessons I’ve been taught finally be learned.
I miss my friends. But I know that everything moves on. So I had better get with the program. Like standing still on the path by the lake – you have to move or get out of the way. I think I will move.
wanderingfool2015 